Now that we’re all home and living with our significant others because of CoVid-19 aka the coronavirus from Hell, it’s making some of go a little… Well, a little crazy. Why is this? Here we are housebound with the people we love with all our hearts and suddenly just listening to them breathe is making us want to throw knives when we really should just be so thankful that we’re not sick.
Are you feeling this way and freaking out about it?
Well, you are not alone. Not only is Covid messing with our anxieties, our livelihoods, our health and sending some of us into spirals of depression and grief, it’s also changing our routines and schedules and patterns and that can make us feel kind of vulnerable and off kilter.
This is where attachment styles come in. In her essay “Coping With an Insecure Attachment Style” on VeryWellMind on carriejonesbooks.blog, Marni Feuerman talks about how our attachment styles can be either secure or insecure and how they arise from our childhood.
“A secure style comes from consistency, reliability, and safety in one's childhood. As an adult, those with a secure attachment style can reflect back on their childhood and see both the good and the bad that occurred, but in the proper perspective. Overall, they generally feel that someone reliable was always available to them in their formative years. In adulthood, they enjoy close, intimate relationships and do not fear taking risks in love.”Feuerman
Who are these magical, well-balanced people? They are the ones who are chill and not freaking out about how their significant other is loading the dishwasher, that’s who they are.
The rest of us have three insecure attachment patterns, she explains, and those are avoidant, ambivalent, and disorganized.
“Avoidant: Avoidant people have a dismissive attitude. They shun intimacy and have many difficulties reaching for others in times of need.
Ambivalent: Those with an ambivalent pattern are often anxious and preoccupied. These people may be viewed as "clingy" or "needy," often requiring much validation and reassurance.
Disorganized: The disorganized pattern is often the product of trauma or extreme inconsistency in one's childhood. Disorganized attachment is not a mixture of avoidant and ambivalent attachments—it is a far more serious state where a person has no real coping strategies and is unable to deal with the world.”Feuerman again
I am ambivalent AF. Gabby, our dog, is also ambivalent.
Well, when you’re writing about relationships in a dystopian novel or apocalypse, you want to account for those different types of personalities and levels of attachment.
Is your character secure or insecure? What type of insecure?
Knowing that and their background can help you flesh them out and make each character not a carbon copy of you or of your other characters.
Well, I think you all know. It’s time to buck up and do the work while we’re social distancing to make sure that we can evolve to the best people we can be and not scream at our loved ones and not repeat bad behaviors. We can’t all afford psychotherapy and we can’t even go see a therapist right now, but a good thing to keep in mind is what Feuerman says,
“To earn security, you have to develop a coherent narrative about what happened to you as a child. You also need to explore the impact it has had on the decisions you may unconsciously have made about how to survive in the world. You have to think critically about how your upbringing affected your attachment style, and work on breaking those patterns.”Feuerman
That’s hard work, but it’s worth it. Nobody wants a criminal record or to go to jail during a pandemic. You’ve got this. Don't have Joe Exotic be your end story.
Writing Tip of the Pod
Think about your main character. Are they secure? Insecure? Why?
Dog Tip for Life
You’ve got to create a narrative that will help you be the best dog owner you can be. Dogs do this all the time. We’re hurt, abandoned, rescued and we create whole new joyous lives. You can too. Bacon helps.
Writing Exercise of the Pod
Think about your best friend’s mom. Think about your best friend. What is their narrative? Write it.
In our random thought (which you hear in the podcast) we talk about:
The music we’ve clipped and shortened in this podcast is awesome and is made available through the Creative Commons License. Here’s a link to that and the artist’s website. Who is this artist and what is this song? It’s “Night Owl” by Broke For Free.
Over 180,000 people have downloaded episodes of our podcast, DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE, you should join them.
Starting this Thursday we're sharing bonus interview podcasts with cool people who exist. Check it out and critique Carrie's interviewing skills.
It’s our very own writing course!
Basically, it’s set up a bit like a distance MFA program, only it costs a lot less and also has a big element of writer support built in. This program costs $125 a month and runs for four-month sessions and starts in April 2020
To find out more, check out this link. It's only $125 a month, so it's a super good deal. Come write with us!
I have a new book out!!!!!! It’s an adult mystery set in the town where we live, which is Bar Harbor, Maine. You can order it here. And you totally should.
Rosie Jones, small town reporter and single mom, is looking forward to her first quiet Maine winter with her young daughter, Lily. After a disastrous first marriage, she’s made a whole new life and new identities for her and her little girl. Rosie is more than ready for a winter of cookies, sledding, stories about planning board meetings, and trying not to fall in like with the local police sergeant, Seamus Kelley.
But after her car is tampered with and crashes into Sgt. Kelley’s cruiser during a blizzard, her quiet new world spirals out of control and back into the danger she thought she’d left behind. One of her new friends is murdered. She herself has been poisoned and she finds a list of anagrams on her dead friend’s floor.
As the killer strikes again, it’s obvious that the women of Bar Harbor aren’t safe. Despite the blizzard and her struggle to keep her new identity a secret, Rosie sets out to make sure no more women die. With the help of the handsome but injured Sgt. Kelley and the town’s firefighters, it’s up to Rosie to stop the murderer before he strikes again.
You can order it here.
My new book, IN THE WOODS, is out!
It’s with Steve Wedel. It’s scary and one of Publisher’s Weekly’s Buzz Books for Summer 2019. There’s an excerpt of it there and everything! But even cooler (for me) they’ve deemed it buzz worthy! Buzz worthy seems like an awesome thing to be deemed!
Order this bad boy, which might make it have a sequel. The sequel would be amazing. Believe me, I know. It features caves and monsters and love. Because doesn’t every story?
Buy limited-edition prints and learn more about my art here on my site.
Vivian Garcia Rodriguez is a secretly the queen to pixie Astley from my NEED series, but we’re not really going to tell anyone, right? Sadly, fate currently has them in different worlds but luckily for us, Vivian is in our world today! Math tutor, cosplayer with a flare for everything, I’m so psyched to have Vivian with us today. Vivian talked to us while she was in lockdown because of Covid-19 and in her home in Puerto Rico. We talk about how cosplay makes her more confident and forces her not to pick the farthest seat away from the board at school and how different books help build up people and friendships. I hope you’ll check it out! And I hope you'll check out Vivian's Bookstagram, Mayushiibooks. Vivian's instagram of beautiful books. WHERE TO FIND OUR PODCAST, DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE. The podcast link if you don’t see it above. Plus, it’s everywhere like Apple Music, iTunes, Stitcher, Spotify, and more. Just google, “DOGS ARE SMARTER THAN PEOPLE” then like and subscribe. Join the 234,000 people who have downloaded episodes and marveled at our raw weirdness. You can subscribe pretty much anywhere. This week’s episode. Extra Thought So many apologies for not posting a bonus episode. I (Carrie) have epilepsy and I had a bit of a seizure last week after a really long time of no seizures ...
This week, we couldn't think of what to talk about in our podcast and we went to Carrie's Facebook page and had an ask for ideas. Public Safety Dispatcher Marie Overlock and Firefighter Amelie Bacon, both suggested, 'friendship,' so it won out and we'll save Matt Baya's suggestion of cow hugging for a later date. Because... cow hugging! Friendship and children's books are a pretty natural combination. Carrie's own books are big on friends even when they are full of romance. Friends matter. And there are so many beautiful examples of friendships in children's books, but let's go with this Maine classic from E.B. White's Charlotte's Web. Wilbur blushed. “But I’m not terrific, Charlotte. I’m just about average for a pig.” “You’re terrific as far as I’m concerned,” replied Charlotte, sweetly, “and that’s what counts. You’re my best friend, and I think you’re sensational. Now stop arguing and go get some sleep!” In our life, Carrie is Wilbur and Shaun is Charlotte. Just so you know. DOG TIPS FOR FRIENDSHIP AND LIFE 1. You do not have to be everyone's friend. Choose wisely. Pick the people who don't bring you down. That's the base for the friendship that you get to build on. 2. Don't pretend to be who you aren't. Don't be Captain Boasts a Lot. Don't Be Mrs. One Up or even Madame Fixes Everyone Else's Problem. 3. Listen to your friends. 4. Realize you and your friends don't have to agree on every damn thing in the world to be friends. 5. Be honest. Don't pretend to agree on everything in the world. 6. Don't be talking about your friend behind their back. That's not cool. WRITING TIP OF THE CAST As writers, we have to make friendships ...
It actually works. Back in 1862 Duchenne De Boulogne noticed that certain muscles in our face engaged whenever we were joyous. It was an involuntary reaction of our cheek muscles, the zygomatic major, and the orbicularis oculi. That’s a muscle right in front of our temples and below our eye. And when those cheek muscles and that special little muscle engage? That’s when we smile. The weird thing is this is a human universal. It happens all over the world despite gender, sex, culture, race, etc. The weird thing is that if we make ourselves smile like this, with those muscles engaged, we actually usually start to feel happier. The process reverses. There’s a guy who teaches the Introduction the Art of Happiness at a Harvard X class, Arthur Brooks, who has an experiment where you take a pencil and hold it between your teeth and you keep it there for 45 seconds. Do it. Seriously. When you do this you flex those muscles in your cheeks and your heart rate starts to decrease and your stress in your body? It starts to release. What does that mean? It means that happiness is a shared condition of humans around the world. It means we can see happiness expressed in people’s bodies. And finally, most importantly, we can actually make ourselves feel happier just by doing that easy dorky experiment where we hold chopsticks or a pen between our teeth. How cool is that? Brooks believes that “happiness is something that grows in us when we give it away,” and also that “happiness doesn’t just happen to you, you can manage it.” DOG TIP FOR LIFE Manage your happiness! Work for it! Wag your tail. Grab a stick. It's awesome. LINKS https://learning.edx.org/course/course-v1:HarvardX+happy+2T2021/block-v1:[email protected][email protected]/block-v1:[email protected][email protected] https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/2319446/ https://nypost.com/2022/05/19/topless-mom-in-her-undies-rescues-pet-goose-from-bald-eagle/ SHOUT ...